This has certainly been an interesting week.
I started off work on Saturday feeling optimistic and energetic, but the dinner service menu needed a lot of prep, none of which was done for me. Even so, I really thought I was going to be able to pull it off this time, but by 3:30 I realized there was no way in hell I was going to be able to get everything out by 4:00, which stressed me out. I become so hyper-focused on producing exactly what’s on the menu that I get tunnel vision; even my Chef has told me substitutions are acceptable (e.g. just steam some frozen veggies instead of prepping fresh). My perfectionism blinds me to alternatives in the heat of the moment and I end up in a downward spiral of anxiety and self-loathing.
Looking back on it now, it really wasn’t that bad of a night. Of the items on the menu, I produced most of them, and the manager on that evening was able to help me do some quick last-minute substitutions for things I didn’t have time to finish. I was still 15-20 minutes late getting the food to the service line, but the weekends are typically slow anyway; it’s not like there was a line of angry customers or anything like that. But with social anxiety and depression, I end up with a myopic pessimism. Unable to step back and emotionally distance myself from the stress, I drown in it.
I was schedule to work again on Sunday, but that didn’t end up happening. I returned my chef coats and told my Chef I couldn’t handle the stress. She was much more understanding than I expected; certainly more understanding than I felt I deserved. But then that’s a testament to her character.
I still haven’t really started looking for a new job yet, although I know I should.
As for my one single class, I actually surprise myself: I haven’t given up yet. I’m slowly catching up on all the homework assignments I’ve missed, while making sure to prioritize the most recent homework first. And due to the school’s attendance policy, I can’t afford another late or missed lecture, so I’ve been leaving a full half hour early to ensure I get to campus on time.
In what is most definitely good news, I finally got my 23andMe results back. I’ll probably make another post this weekend to go into more detail, but since 23andMe cannot legally give health information anymore, I turned to several third-party analysis tools. I’ve found some of this information very interesting, and I think I’ll be discussing some of it with my psychiatrist next time I see her.